Day 32 - Back to where it all started

I have a little secret to tell you... I get really bad pre travel anxiety.  That feeling of dread and discomfort you get when you seriously consider travelling abroad, or do anything at the edge of your comfort zone.  It is so easy to just lie in bed and watch the world go by.  But my plan was always to return to Central America. 

I only made it as far as Guatemala, the second out of the seven countries I wanted to visit.  I still had El Salvador, Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica and Panama to visit.  From there I might even continue beyond Panama City and venture into South America. 

It wasn’t my original plan but after speaking to many people in various hostels I had heard nothing but good things about South America.  Columbia, Bolivia and Peru where the three countries that were always mentioned.  “Oh my God, you have to go to Bolivia!”, “Peru is amazing” “Columbia is really nice, it used to be dangerous but all the crime has moved to Venezuela”.

But all these places were so far away from my bed.  Part of me was always saying “bugger it, should we not go? ...let’s just get a job, move into a shared house and get a cat like everyone else”.  

I guess when you do anything in life that is beyond your comfort zone you begin to feel nervous.  Self doubt starts to creep in and that negative part of you starts saying stuff like “you can’t do this” or “you are going to mess this up”.  But really it is a good sign.  I remember someone saying to me “you know Mike, life begins at the edge of your comfort zone” and from my experience it is true.

 

From a more scientific point of view if you do the same things over and over again your brain begins to stop noticing and becomes uninterested.  However if you do something that is completely new and different your brain becomes active and rewards you with endorphins, and endorphins are good.  So I was having doubts about this trip but really they weren’t genuine doubts.  

I was always going to go back to Central America.  The fact that I was having these doubts was a good thing.  It showed me that I was about to do something at the edge of my comfort zone again, a zone that I aim to venture into as much as possible.  This is not easy for me as well; if you think I am some crazily confident extrovert then you are completely wrong.  I am quite the opposite in fact. 

Exposure therapy

I am an introvert and for most of my teenage years and early 20s I suffered from social anxiety.  It was never officially diagnosed by a doctor but I am pretty sure I had something on those lines.  Having to go up and talk to someone I didn’t know made me feel deeply uncomfortable to the point where I felt ill.  It is the main reason why when I moved to Sydney the first job I got was as a street fund raiser.  

I wanted to challenge myself by making myself do something that made me deeply uncomfortable.  I remember throwing up in the toilet in the mornings before starting work because the idea of talking to strangers and trying to get them to sign up to charities made me ill.  But I did it because I wanted to get rid of my social anxiety issues.  I guess you could call it exposure therapy.

Did it work?  Sort of but the issue with fund raising is that it is not you who is talking to these strangers but the super happy energetic salesperson alter ego you put on.  To cure social anxiety you need to expose yourself when you are, well yourself.  Faking it doesn’t really work and it is a very fake line of work, you have to pretend you are super happy all the time when really all you want to do is roll up in a ball on the pavement and be sick.  That was my experience anyway.  Towards the end of my third week things did get better.  The morning throwing up in the toilet became a mild feeling of queasiness.

A simple life is a boring life

Anyway that was a brief few paragraphs about myself, I guess what I am trying to say is that you don’t have to be a confident extrovert to travel.  Travelling isn’t easy for me but I guess that is why I do it.  I also do it because it makes my life interesting.  My personal motto in life is:  “A simple life is a boring life”. 

It was nice spending Christmas with my family; the usual antics of opening presents, eating turkey and playing board games in front of a roaring fire.  I saw them in the evening before New Year and then went to my friends flat to see in 2014.  Many drinks were drunk and many songs were sung.  I could easily get used to my non travel life back in England. 

But I needed to travel now, it was time again to temporarily leave them all and go travelling again.  I had a bigger and more secure day bag this time and a new set a padlocks to keep everything locked away and out of sight.  I had two cards this time instead of just one, one main card and a spare one so I am not moneyless if I lose my main card.  But the biggest changed was myself.  I just felt more travel wise and prepared this time.  I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes I made last time.  I was going to be a strong and independent traveller.  My first stop was Cancun, I was going back to where it all started before.